Not just the flu... the STOMACH flu!

Yes, I know there is no such thing as the stomach flu. But for whatever reason (probably because you feel like you've been hit by a bus filled with lead) people have taken to calling any stomach virus the flu, and there you have it. So, while influenza it isn't, let me tell you what this IS...

It is running to the bathroom literally upwards of 10 times an hour. And when you finally get there, your body wracked with little explosions of sorts. It is not being able to eat more than a few bites of bland substances at a time, because anything else and anything more frequent will increase the severity of the aforementioned explosions. It is having your wife look at you with mixed feelings of pity and humor as she watches you time after time jump up from a perfectly relaxed position to race to the bathroom at top speed - ignoring everything in your path - be it a Christmas tree, coffee table or closed door. It is searching the Internet with obsessive compulsiveness looking for anything, ANYTHING that will make it stop. FYI - nothing works.

And finally, just when you come to accept the humanity of your condition, you read that the virus is transmitted via the "fecal to oral route" as the NIH so eloquently puts it. That means that I got this dang virus from eating food prepared by some yahoo who didn't wash his hands after taking a dump. Absolutely fan-freaking-tastic. Merry Christmas to you too.